Updated: May 4, 2020
Ok so this one probably comes out of nowhere for most of you but you may actually feel like you hate your partner at some points during pregnancy and parenthood.
This may happen in pregnancy due to the raging hormones, although you won’t know it’s hormones at the time. At the time, you will genuinely believe that you have completely changed your feelings about this person. This could be because of the way they breathe, or something equally minor and you will think it’s completely rational behaviour.
For me I hadn’t long got together with my baby's dad before finding out I was pregnant, (3 short months if you’re wondering) and although I had ‘known’ him for around 8 years previous, you obviously never know someone fully pre relationship. This is especially true when the two of us had probably only ever spoken two words to each other in the previous 8 years before the one night when we finally actually ‘saw’ each other.
Our relationship developed at lightening speed (obviously when you welcome a child within the first 12 months). We did however see each other every day within those first few months and so for us it seemed a lot longer and a whole lot more serious than your average 3 month relationship. This was a really good thing, given the whole 'we’re gonna have a baby thing', as we had already established how we felt prior to baby gate (literally).
So here we were pregnant, terrified but giving it a go, and at first we were absolutely fine. Then some time passed, hormones grew and I just felt annoyed by his every move. I didn’t tell him this at the time but I had this worry that I was now stuck with this person forever as the father of my child and I didn’t even like him. He breathed too loud, cared too much and was just too kind. See I told you, totally irrational thoughts but at the time his every breath irritated me right to my core. These feelings however completely went as the hormones did after i’d given birth. (It’s worth adding we’re now married, applause for the happy ending).
So as I said, this type of feeling passes once you’ve had the baby. It’s not always anger and annoyance, that is the most common one I’ve heard but it could feel like every move he makes hurts your feelings or makes you feel insecure too. It’s just our hormones being totally over sensitive to anything and everything. To put over sensitive hormones into perspective, when I was pregnant I sobbed actual snot tears and cried for my mum on the way to Ikea because my husband told me that the measurements for a bathroom cabinet wouldn’t fit in the space we had available. At the time it was the absolute end of the world to me. If it happened now in my (semi) sane mind I wouldn’t even give it a second thought.
So now pregnancy is over, yippee but that doesn’t mean your relationship is out of the woods just yet. You’ve just welcomed a new baby and I don’t know if there was a boss previously in your relationship but right now for sure it’s the baby. At first it’s all sunshine, love and happiness between the two of you. Your little family is the best thing ever and you’re just completely smitten with the whole thing but something happens to burst that bubble. Mine was a tiny little bicker over something minor but it hurt so much at the time that my happy little bubble was burst. It’s inevitable though, there’s always going to be little arguments especially when you bring a new baby into the mix.
You now have this little tiny person to think of, and they come before every need of your own at every minute of the day and some make this sacrifice better than others. I’ve never actually understood the whole ‘let’s have a baby to save the relationship’ idea. It’s probably the biggest change you’ll have in your relationship and with this little bundle of joy comes a hell of a lot of pressure, jealousy, resentment and (almost) hatred, not the recipe to save a failing relationship if you ask me.
So what are some common reasons to hate each other?
Reason 1-Your partner had one more minutes sleep than you did and you feel like you could murder them in cold blood with no remorse, but that’s illegal and this new baby needs you. So instead you start purposely slamming every door and switching on every light at 5am (passive aggressive style)
Reason 2-They got a hot shower two days in a row and it makes you want to whack them with your greasy hair and kill them with your stale breath
Reason 3-The baby has a favourite parent, when it’s a birthing parent the other can feel like they don’t know their place in this new world and feel a bit left out. When the child favours the parent who didn’t grow and birth them it cuts deep! Although you do secretly love their bond, you’d be just be more comfortable with equal favourites. I mean the sacrifices you made to bring this child into the world and this is how they repay you? But it couldn’t possibly be the baby's fault so it’s your partners, unlucky my love.
No but seriously now, reason 4-One or both feel under appreciated in their role in the relationship. This is mainly because being with the kids all day is absolutely hard but so is being at work all day. Both partners are putting the graft in for your new little family, it’s just easy to think the other one has got greener grass than yours (don’t worry we all need some lawn feed).
Reason 5 -The lack of attention from your loved one can make you hold a lot of resentment. Where’s the time for you? You may feel a bit jealous of your own baby and here comes the ‘why did we ever think this was a good idea’ question again. The truth is your partner wishes they didn’t have a kid hanging from their neck every night when it used to be alone time, you just miss each other.
These are just some of the common reasons. There may be others that creep up for you as you start this new journey together. It takes a lot of compromise to parent together and adjust to this new dynamic but you’ll get there. These feelings will pass, you will soon become the team you always wanted to be. Just don’t forget the relationship pre kids, try and have date night (as much as childcare and mat pay will allow) and don’t brush these feelings you may get under the carpet, talk about them all don’t let them fester and become real relationship issues. Ultimately you want to pull together when this little kid seems to be trying to pull you apart.
Take care of you
This Mum Liverpool